Separation Anxiety

September 18
Separation Anxiety

A true enemy to living in the present is Separation Anxiety. I feel it every time my husband or a I go away from each other for an extended amount of time. It used to happen every time I went back to college after a trip home. Separation Anxiety and I have been companions for many years.

I think it is a close relative of the "When I's" because I am worried that if something happens to either one of us (which would be totally out of my control) while we are apart, I need to have my first steps after that mighty blow already figured out. Macabre.

I didn't feel it until just now, when I got home to my house full of inanimate objects and nothing more. Jeff is gone for the weekend and I am alone. I'm not scared of the boogey man or bad guys. I am not scared to sleep alone or wake alone. I guess the only thing I am scared of is a situation like this becoming permanent. Nothing's going to happen and I know these thoughts are unfounded and irrational but still they come, every time one of us goes away.

Living in the moment means I should find something to be glad about. Surprisingly, there are a few things that instantly come to mind. First, two nights in a row of catching up on girl talk and other long overdue correspondence. Second, I clean my house much better when no one is here for me to feel a grudge towards about not helping enough. Third, I enjoy my company. Being alone for two or three days at a time helps me to get reacquainted with myself and to gauge where I really am. I imagine you can tell a lot about a person by what they do when they are alone, only you'll never know for sure.

So, my moment of today was still about the future. It's only day two; I promise I'm trying.